I’m a Lady!!!

Growing up I was taught to always be polite, and respectful. For the most part I am. as I got older, my sarcastic, loud, rude self began to appear more often. It would get me in trouble at school. Once I took it to far ( world History I think) and my teacher tossed me out of the class. I tried to appologize but he had enough. My foot had fallen asleep and I could tell the prickling would start soon, I didn’t want to get up. I knew that I wouldn’t be able to walk across the room without everyone noticing. Red faced I dragged my foot out the door. He barely managed to keep from laughing at me.

I admit I have a potty mouth. People who know me can tell you that I am anything but a soft delicate flower. I am loud and even though I try not to , I curse like a sailor. I couldn’t keep the language clean for my own wedding day. Completly stress out, I was poising for pictures when one of my earings broke and the pearl fell on my white dress. “F—K!” I shouted. My brother replyed “and that my friends is my sister! always a lady!”. Frankly, he was lucky that was all I said. He had called me twenty minutes earlier asking where the wedding was.. Seriously. Not like I hadn’t mentioned the whole time before the wedding where it was.Or like he was giving me away or anything..

I have tried to keep my bad language away from my kids. But it is so hard. So it was no suprise when the daycare handed me a note that my three year old called one of his classmates a B word. I assumed the shocked face of the innocent. The writer in me was pleased to hear that he used the word in it’s proper context. ” Cloe was being a real B—H”.

In a few days my little office will be combining with the rest of our department in the nice new swanky offices. We will be in an open plan space with low walls. No one ( even my VP) will have an office. Just a little cubicle. When the move was first mentioned, I was given the hairy eyeball. My Director ( who also has a bit of a potty mouth too) instructed me to not be so loud & not so vulgar. I must admit that I have been worse for it. Knowing I had limited time to be able to curse & vent about the office bulls$*t, I just couldn’t help it. I feel better for calling the employee a dumbass after I get off the phone. I am always amazed at the lack of common sense these people have and yet make so much money. I assume the only reason they make it to work and home is for GPS.

My Co worker & partner in crime (lets call her fishstick) was placed as far away from me as humanly possible and still be in the same office. She will be behind me, so I can’t even look at her to silently mock our fellow co workers…. How I will I ever survive this new torture? With all the grace and poise of a gentile Lady…. MOTHER-F—-

Fairy wings and Glitter

When my oldest son was about five, he lost his first tooth. We thought we would ask him what the tooth fairy looked like. He was very detailed in how she looked. For this important event, the Tooth Fairy wrote him a lovely note with her picture & some glitter, thanking him for the tooth. She also reminded him to always brush his teeth, then she left a nice gift.

I was never that good at sneaking into my son’s room. Once or twice I had forgotten to leave something for him. I have pulled the old “oops, it fell under the bed!” trick. Last year, He found a tooth that I had saved in one of my dresser drawers. I froze like a deer in headlights to see what he would do. In a second, he came up with a plausible story of forgetting to have traded in the tooth the first time around. He took it and put it under his pillow. My husband, ever the clever one, typed out another note from the tooth fairy explaining that she had already redeemed this tooth but left it as a keepsake for him.

I thought that he was done with losing his teeth. According to the Dentist, he still had three baby teeth left. Over the weekend, he put the tooth under the pillow. When he didn’t get any money the next day, he explained that he was just doing it for his little brother. The tooth fairy may have to write a break up note explaining that she deals with only teeth from kids five to ten.

Now that my youngest is getting to that age where his baby teeth will be falling out ;We are going to have to play fairy again. I have a feeling it will be a little harder to trick this one. A week before Christmas, my youngest looked at my husband with a deadpan expression on his face and proclaimed him Santa. We questioned him how he came to this conclusion. “Because daddy is old and has a beard”. The next day my husband promptly shaved his beard & moustache.